Belfast Noir Read online

  Healy could feel the floorboards beneath them bounce as the man approached, extending one stocky hand.

  “Bad day, men,” he said.

  “It is, John,” Brogan offered.

  “The last of the old guard,” John said gravely, glancing toward the coffin as if to reassure himself that the man in question was still there.

  “Fucking stand-up guy,” Brogan agreed.

  “He never turned. Not once. Even was dead against decommissioning, back in the day.”

  “They don’t make them like him anymore.”

  “Fucking watery sell-outs sitting on the hill now wouldn’t understand the meaning of country.”

  Brogan nodded his head. “Country,” he repeated, snorting.

  “So, how’s my boy doing?” John asked. “I appreciate you giving him a start.”

  “Mark?” Healy asked. A bit too fond of the embalming fluid, personally and professionally, he wanted to say. “Great,” he did say. “A natural.”

  “At handling the dead? He’s a chip off the old block!” Brogan said, slapping John lightly on the bicep. John reciprocated with a bark of laughter, causing the two women at the coffin to turn and stare at them, like incensed librarians.

  “So, are you in?” John asked, quickly regaining his solemnity, regarding Healy through two narrowed eyes, the pupils pinpoints. Like piss holes in snow, his father used to call them. John clasped his hands in front of him, his nostrils flaring.

  Healy glanced at Brogan. Brogan might threaten to burn down your business or hurt your girl, but Big John Kearney—well, everyone knew he wouldn’t threaten, he’d just turn up someday with the petrol can and matches and make you do it yourself. And stiff you for half the insurance claim as compensation for the inconvenience you’d caused him in making him come to your house.

  “I’ll help out any way I can,” Healy said. “I don’t want anyone getting hurt with whatever it is I’m driving.”

  John laughed, the ripples spreading across the shirt taut on his belly. “Hurt? Since when did undertakers become so fucking squeamish?”

  Brogan joined in the laugh, though mirthlessly, his grip on Healy’s arm tightening. “He’s only taking the piss. Isn’t that right, Healy? He’s in. Aren’t you? Aren’t you?” The repeated question squeezed through gritted teeth.

  Healy saw it now. They all had their jobs to do to keep Big John happy. He’d have to collect the coffin and bring it up to Belfast. Brogan’s job had been to convince him to do it.

  “I’m in,” Healy said, already feeling his stomach sicken, even as the grip on his arm relaxed and his sense of shame in himself ballooned.

  “Good man,” John said, slapping him on the shoulder. “We knew we could count on you. Don’t worry. It’ll be nothing that could hurt you. So, no panicking.”

  * * *

  Flu season was always busy, but this one was no joke. Three bodies were lying downstairs. Healy had had to ask Laura, his girlfriend, to come in and do makeup on the ones that weren’t too badly damaged. He’d had to promise her a shopping weekend in Dublin as a thank you, despite the fact she’d made her first attempt, an eighty-five-year-old woman with heart failure, look like she was on the game.

  “That’s the modern style,” Laura had protested when Healy told her to thin down the thick black eyebrows she’d drawn on.

  “For whores maybe,” Healy had snapped. “She’s not going out for the fucking night, Lar, she’s being buried. I’m sure God won’t mind if her eyebrows aren’t the most fashionable when she reaches the big gates.”

  “She doesn’t have any fucking eyebrows!” Laura had screamed. “That’s why I needed to give her some. Imagine your eyebrows falling out. I hope I don’t live to be old aged.”

  Healy stopped himself from warning her that old age might be too optimistic a target if she didn’t shut up and get working on the bodies. Mark Kearney, the son of Big John, sat beside a particularly badly mashed-up guy who’d fallen off a roof, trying to shift his Sky satellite dish, a book on cosmetics in one hand, a lump of skin-coloured putty in the other. To his left was an older man, most of his face missing from a self-inflicted shotgun wound.

  “This one will be a bastard to make look like he’s still alive,” Mark said. “Can we just put a Halloween mask or something on him? Who would he like to look like?”

  “He’s being cremated anyway,” Healy said. “Just get him embalmed and shut up the coffin. There’s no wake.”

  “That’s sad,” Laura opined from across the room. “No wake?”

  “He must have been a sad bastard,” Mark said. “Shooting himself in the face.”

  “He was Jack Hamill, actually. He taught me,” Healy explained. “I started out working for him. He owned the undertakers on the Ormeau Road. He worked some of the worst shit of the Troubles. Reconstructing people who’d had parts of their heads blown off, limbs missing, multiple shootings. He gave it up, couldn’t take it anymore. All the dead bodies.”

  “Jesus,” Laura said, whistling softly, sitting back now, regarding the corpse with a little more respect.

  “Which is probably why he shot himself in the face. Having to carry all that shit around with him ever since.”

  “And he doesn’t want a wake?”

  Healy shook his head. “He wanted to be prepped and cremated. That was it. I want none of the shit, he said.”

  “I understand that,” Mark said. “Once you know the tricks of the trade, it takes away the magic.”

  “You don’t know the tricks of the trade yet; you used far too much fluid on the last one,” Healy said. “In five hundred years’ time, if they dig him up, he’ll still look like he did last night.”

  “Like Lenin,” Mark offered. “Except without the ear falling off.”

  “Did John Lennon’s ear fall off?” Laura asked, pausing mid–lipstick application. “That’s sad too, considering he wrote such beautiful songs.”

  Healy shook his head as Mark, behind his book again, struggled to hide the shaking of his shoulders as he laughed.

  “I don’t think Scarlet Passion was Mrs. Owens’s colour, Lar,” Healy said. “Not since the 1940s, anyway.”

  * * *

  The following morning, just before dawn, Healy was back at the office, getting the hearse ready for the drive south. Laura had made him a packed lunch, as if he was going on a school outing. She’d filled a Tupperware box with the remains of the previous evening’s lasagne. Healy hadn’t had the heart to point out that, while the hearse contained many things, a microwave oven was not one of them.

  The drive down the M1 was uneventful. The road was busy, lorries and buses spraying the ground water in their wake in iridescent arcs. The address that Mark Kearney had handed him the previous day listed the coffin as being at a house on the outskirts of town. When Healy finally found it, after being sent to the same field twice by his sat nav, a small man, greying brown hair, glasses, came to the door.

  “I’m Healy.”

  “Congratulations. What do you want?”

  “Big John sent me to collect remains.”

  “Did he now?” The man straightened up, pulling himself to his full height. “Leave me the keys. You can go and sit in the living room. We’ll be half an hour.”

  Healy handed over the keys as instructed, then turned back to the car. “You wouldn’t have a microwave in there, by any chance, would you?”

  * * *

  Twenty-five minutes, and one lukewarm lasagne later, he was back on the road. The coffin, polished pine, had already been loaded into the back of the car. A wreath, saying Granda, had been laid alongside it, showing through the rear windows. Healy noticed the dirt on the plastic flowers, figured they’d lifted it off someone’s grave to make their ruse look more realistic.

  As he got into the car, something struck him. He sat in silence, afraid to turn on the ignition, absurdly, he realised, listening for ticking.

  “What’s wrong?” the small man asked, blinking furiously behind his glasses. />
  “It’s not going to explode, is it?” Healy asked. “If my girlfriend phones me? It’s not going to kill me?”

  “That’ll not be a problem,” the man said.

  “What is in there?” Healy asked conspiratorially.

  “You can use your phone,” the man replied. “Except to phone the cops. That call will kill you. Eventually.”

  The first stretch of the journey, he thought he was going to be sick. He found that, as he drove, his gaze flicked repeatedly to the rearview mirror, to see if he was being followed, either by the cops or by the people who’d loaded the coffin into the hearse. Every pothole in the road seemed to shake the car violently, every sharp bend brought back memories of stories he’d heard in school about mercury tilt switches. He remembered Tommy Hasson stealing thermometers from the school’s chemistry lab, saying he would sell them for the mercury. Tommy ended up blowing the fingers off his right hand in an accident involving fireworks and a hammer. He was thirteen at the time. Tommy Five Fingers they called him after that. Though never to his face, of course.

  Healy was back on the easy bit of the M1 within twenty minutes. This return leg was quieter than the journey down, little traffic heading north in the middle of the morning. As a result, when the marked garda car pulled out from the lay-by and merged into the traffic behind him, Healy noticed it almost instantly. He told himself that they’d picked someone up speeding, but they seemed in no hurry to catch up with anyone. He knew it wasn’t him; if anything, he was going too slowly, keeping on the inside lane, overtaking only when absolutely necessary. His concern was twofold: not only did he not want to be stopped for a traffic violation, but he was also still not convinced by the small man’s assertion that whatever cargo he was carrying wasn’t going to blow up.

  The garda car maintained its distance behind him. He wasn’t sure if he was being followed or not. He reckoned if they were actually tailing him, they’d have been more surreptitious about it, maybe used an unmarked car. Instead, they had quite literally announced their presence, sitting in the Garda Only bay along the side of the road, driving behind him now in a white car with fluorescent yellow stripes up the side.

  For a few moments, he toyed with the idea of deliberately speeding, hoping they’d pull him over and search the coffin. Whatever he was carrying wouldn’t make it to the streets of Belfast and he’d be able to say it’d not been his fault. But he realised that he didn’t even know the name of the people who had given him the coffin, only the name of the supposed remains inside, Martin Logue. Plus, if they asked who’d told him to collect it, he’d have to grass on John Kearney. He’d never survive that. His best bet would be to get clear of the cops and abandon the hearse in a field somewhere. Claim he ran out of petrol. Except, if they were following him, they’d be able to check. He thought he’d been clever, filling up the tank the previous day in preparation for the run; now he cursed his foresight for having deprived him of an excuse to dump whatever it was he was bringing north.

  He ran through the alternatives in his mind. Explosives, obviously, but the glasses man seemed to have discounted that. Drugs? Big John did sell some to supplement his income. Guns? Again, a possibility. Maybe there actually was a dead person in the coffin. Or a living one? A kidnap victim?

  “Hello!” Healy shouted over his shoulder. “Is there anyone in there?”

  Silence.

  Maybe they were gagged.

  “Tap on the wood if you can hear me,” Healy said, then waited, aware that if someone actually did tap on the wood, he’d probably shit himself with fear.

  Silence.

  The car was still behind him. In fact, it stayed behind him for almost the entire way to the border, before finally overtaking all of the traffic and speeding ahead of him, cutting off the motorway at the next junction.

  He allowed himself to relax a little, turning on the radio, hesitating briefly as he did so, lest the radio waves detonate whatever was in the coffin. If, of course, whatever was in the coffin was detonable.

  He crossed the border just south of Newry, instantly on the lookout for any PSNI vehicles that might have been waiting for him, perhaps alerted by the gardai. In the end, it was not until he was passing the sign for Cloughogue Cemetery that he spotted them.

  The car was a silver Vauxhall, unmarked in contrast with the garda car, but unmistakable nonetheless due, mostly, to the dark green tint of the bulletproof glass on the windows of the vehicle. He’d no idea how long they’d been behind him. He’d checked at the border, but hadn’t spotted them.

  Despite Big John’s warning, panic got the better of him as he neared Banbridge. Seeing the turnoff for the Outlet shopping complex, he indicated and pulled in, watching the PSNI car continue on along the Belfast Road. Aware that a parked hearse with a coffin in the back—especially one festooned with a floral arrangement to Granda—might attract some attention, he parked up at Burger King and went in for fries and a burger to make it appear that lunch had been his primary reason for stopping, rather than an attempt to lose a police tail.

  “Should you leave that out there unattended?” the pimpled teen who had taken his order asked, nodding out to where the hearse sat. “With a dead person in it?”

  “He’s not going anywhere,” Healy managed, blushing at having used the line.

  “True that,” the teen offered, then turned to fetch his food.

  Despite having already eaten lukewarm lasagne barely an hour earlier, Healy managed the food until he went back out to the hearse and spotted, at the far end of the car park, the same silver Vauxhall, parked, its occupants seemingly having gone to Starbucks for their lunch.

  He turned and went back into the fast-food restaurant, heading straight for the toilet. He pulled out his phone and called Mark.

  “This thing of your dad’s? I’ve company following me up the road. Can you check what he wants me to do? Should I still go to the pub with it?”

  Kearney grunted and hung up. Healy forced himself to pee, lest someone come into the toilet and wonder what he was doing in there.

  He was zipping up when Mark called back.

  “He said bring it here. Wait until it calms, then take it to the pub.”

  “Take it there?” Healy protested. “My own premises?”

  “Aye. We’re flat out here, by the way, so get a move on. And we’ve that cremation at two for the saddo you knew, so someone needs to take him across. Tony said he’d do it. You should be back by then, anyway.”

  Healy bit his lip, annoyed at being ordered about by Mark Kearney, a youth with such a startling sense of entitlement that he’d deliberately failed every GCSE he’d been entered for, telling his teachers that he didn’t need GCSEs for what he’d be doing. Healy suspected reconstructing dead people’s faces had not featured on his list of future careers.

  He strolled out to the car park again, feigning nonchalance, scanning the parking bays for the silver car, which had vanished once again. He began to wonder if indeed it had been the same one at all. Perhaps it had been a different police car. Or just some dick with really heavily tinted glass on his windscreen.

  He was fairly certain it was the same one though, when it picked up his tail again just outside Lisburn. This time it held steady, three cars behind him, all the way onto the Westlink and into Belfast.

  * * *

  He pulled into the parking bay of his premises, shouting for Kearney to close the shutters behind him as quickly as possible and to get the coffin out of the hearse.

  He ran to the toilet and brought up both his lunches in four heaving gasps. He was sitting on the ground, his face pressed against the cool ceramic, when he heard someone tapping at the door.

  “I’m in here!” he snapped.

  “I know,” Laura called back. “That’s why I’m knocking! The cops are here to see you. They’re upstairs.”

  A fifth heave, bringing up nothing but yellow spittle.

  * * *

  There were two officers waiting for him when he went
up. Both were in uniform, right down to the peaked caps.

  “Officers,” Healy said, his mouth acrid with the taste of bile. “Everything all right?”

  “Are you all right?” one, the elder of the two, asked. “You look like death warmed up.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Better hope they don’t mistake you for someone should be in one of your own coffins,” the other offered, laughing good-naturedly, like they were old friends.

  “So, what can I do for you?”

  “You collected a coffin this morning, in Dundalk?”

  “Is that a question?”

  The officer nodded. “It is.”

  “I did. That’s right. I’ve only arrived back with it.”

  “Do you know the person in the coffin?”

  Healy shook his head. “No. The order came in over the phone. Someone called Martin Logue.”

  The officer nodded his head, as if this was as he’d expected all along. “Was he the person who ordered the collection or the person in the box?”

  “He was the deceased. Sorry, who are you, exactly?”

  “I’m Inspector Hume,” the man said. “This is Sergeant Fisher. We’ve reason to believe that you’ve been transporting illegal cargo across the border.”

  “Why?” Healy asked.

  “That’s what we hoped you’d tell us,” Fisher said.

  “No, why do you think I was bringing across something illegal?”

  “You recently employed Mark Kearney as an apprentice here, is that right?” Hume asked.

  “Again, why?”

  “We know you did. I’m sure you know who Mark’s father is? You were speaking to him the other night at a wake house.”

  “I know of him,” Healy said.

  “Is Mark here at the moment?”

  Healy swallowed back a sudden rush of sour water that filled his throat and went across to the top of the stairs.